Power of Presence

Happy Sunday my Lovelies!!!

I know these newsletters usually come out weekly and on Fridays... but I had an unexpected adventure in the hospital for 9 days!

Some of you know that I was "diagnosed" with Crohn's dis-ease when I was 14 years old. I do not see my Self as "having" a disease. However, I do sometimes experience symptoms of what western medicine calls "Crohn's disease". I have never owned this diagnosis, nor do I let it run my life. Experiencing the symptoms that come along with this disease, or as I like to call it "a dis-ease in the harmony of my body" has allowed me to be super aware and present of how I feel inside. I am able to really listen and for the most part move forward very clear in my intentions and why. 

I decided at the beginning of the year to switch to Kaiser because I wanted to get a bunch of testing done and it seemed to be the most economical way to do so. The testing was not because I was afraid something was "wrong", it was to provide peace of mind and be aware of my physical insides. I had a colonoscopy in February and everything came back normal. And then about a month ago, I began experiencing issues with absorbing my food and nutrients because of very loose stool. 

I have been medication free for 14 years and have been able to manage symptoms with diet and supplements. In the past, if I experienced something like this I would adjust my diet, have work done on me energetically and change the supplements. This time felt different, so I decided to go in for a CT Scan of my intestines and had to drink barrium to create the contrast so that the doctors could see more of my small intestine. We were checking for a thickening in the lining of the intestine that might be causing the challenge of absorbing nutrients properly. Barrium is also full of heavy metals, so it ended up irritating my bowels after the test. 

The test did not show everything we wanted to see, so we decided to see if my intestines could handle a camera endoscopy. Since we weren't able to see everything, the doctor suggested taking a patency capsule first to see if the camera capsule would make it all the way through. This patency capsule is made of cellulose, which is basically paper and it had a little metal marker in it to follow. The cellulose was supposed to dissolve on its way down my intestinal tract, but for some reason, it did not. 

I swallowed the 1cm x 2.5cm capsule on Thursday morning at 930am. I had a fluid diet til 430pm and then ate some food figuring it had already dissolved and was making its way out of my body. About 2 hours after eating, I was doubled over in excruciating pain from a bowel obstruction because the HUGE capsule had not dissolved at all. The capsule was now lodged in a narrowed part of my intestine where the small and large connect and the food I ate was not able to move out. I called the advice line at the hospital and they told me to ride it out, that the capsule would dissolve, but the pain was so unbearable, I went to the ER that evening. They hooked me up to an IV and fed me pain meds and put me on liquids so I wouldn't dehydrate. I spent the night in the ER and then was discharged at 5am on Friday. I was told to drink liquids and that it would dissolve. I return home and a few hours later after fluids was in pain again. Not so extreme, but still in pain. My doctor then asked me to come back and be admitted for observation, so I returned to the hospital. 

On Saturday morning, I agreed to drink some fluids again and everything seemed to be ok. I then ate a light lunch with soft food and everything seemed to be ok a few hours later and was discharged a second time and told to go home. Within a few hours of being home, the pain came back and was now more intense and unbearable, so I returned to the ER for a second time! I spend the night there again being pumped full of pain meds and then had some other anomalies begin to happen. My heart rate spiked, my blood pressure went crazy, and I experienced extreme fever, chills and uncontrollable convulsions. I was told later that the doctors now thought I was experiencing sepsis so they started pumping me full of antibiotics and tylenol on top of the pain meds and fluids. 

At 9am on Sunday morning, I was admitted to the Tele Unit which is where they observe your heart and blood pressure because of the symptoms I was experiencing. I was not experiencing sepsis, but there was some sort of infection that my body was now fighting, but we didn't know what it was exactly. I was only in my new room for 10 mins and I began to experience another severe fever and chills and convulsions so strong that I could not control my body. The only thing I could do was focus on not clinching my jaw so hard so I would not crack my teeth or bite my tongue. I found my Self leaving my body and floating in front of my Self at the foot of the bed. I was completely present in the experience. I was watching every move of my body. The thoughts in my mind disappeared. It was me and my focus on my jaw which allowed me to surrender to the rest of my body and what it was experiencing. I was less affected by the pain in this space.

The convulsing and teeth chattering stopped after a while, but the fever was so intense I felt like I was on fire! The bed was on fire! Everything was on fire! I have never felt heat that intense from within before. At this point, the tylenol the nurse gave me was kicking in, but not quick enough. He brought me some ice packs and we made a bed of them behind me and I laid my bare back on them. The fever was still high. Then, my friend Kat showed up and sat on the bed next to me. She tried to hold my hand, but that was even too hot for me! We held pinky fingers and then she asked if she could sing to me. When she began to sing, I began to weep. My eyes closed, I was transported back to the sweat lodge in Tulum where I bring people on my retreats. The shamans I work with were there and so was my teacher, who died a few years ago. They took me into the space and cradled me. I could feel their love and energy moving through me. As Kat continued singing, the fever subsided and I was able to cool down immediately. It is amazing what our minds are capable of when we allow our Self to move into the imagination and see our Self from a different perspective. We are so powerful.

As you can see in the scan below, the capsule was still very much intact after 4 whole days! On Monday morning after this high fever and purge of my body, the xray showed that the entire capsule was dissolved except for the little metal marker you can see in the middle of the white square looking thing on the left side of the picture. Amazing how intuitive our bodies are and how they know how to heal themselves! However, this metal marker was still eliciting a response from my body to clear this foreign object from it. At this point, the doctors are telling me there is no obstruction and they want me to try liquids again. I agree and immediately after drinking a small amount of water and chicken broth my belly became distended with gas and nothing was coming out the bottom half of me. I was obviously still experiencing some imbalance.

Now, is the part of the experience where I realize that I must really advocate for my Self and my body. Western medicine and doctors have their place and I find that it creates a space for business to creep in. Get them in, get them out as fast as possible. I do not feel that this is what allows us to feel supported or even heard in our healing process. Not that I believe hospitals are built with the intention of healing, they're not. So I then told the team of doctors what was going to happen next. I expressed that my intestines needed complete rest. Meaning, no food or drink by mouth for as long as I felt necessary. I experienced a bowel obstruction when I was 15 years old and this is what worked then to allow my intestines to calm down and heal. The doctors continued to come in and ask me to eat and drink, but the answer was NO.

On Wednesday, the metal marker was still showing on the xray. It had not moved. A friend of mine sent her reflexologist to work on me in my room. Suzy Brown is her name. She works in Evergreen. I HIGHLY recommend her! She began working on my feet and then she got to a point on the intestinal meridian where I actually felt her touch the marker in my gut through my foot. I had my eyes closed and was able to visualize it. As she continued to move down the meridian of my foot, I could see the metal marker moving and heading out. Another moment proving to me how powerful our minds and intentions truly are! Within 30 minutes, I was able to evacuate my bowels easily and without force. And guess what? The next morning, the metal marker was no where to be found inside my body!

From Monday to Friday, I listened to my body intently and told doctors what I was going to do even though they were not in agreement. I had friends visit. I had people do Reiki, Reflexology, and Sound Healing on me. I had my essential oils diffusing in my room and meditation music playing. I meditated. I went within. When staff and friends entered my room they did not feel like they were in the hospital. I was able to create my own healing sanctuary and this space invited people to come and feel healed. I felt nourished, loved and supported. I asked for help and allowed my Self to receive without feeling guilty. I honored my body and what it was telling me. I advocated for my Self and opened doors to healing. The whole experience, including the pain was Magical. And I say "Magical" because it opened the line of communication between my mom and I as well.

Another thing about being present in our experiences is that it allows us to see the synchronicities occurring in our life. I wrote my mom a letter back in February about some things I wished to change in our relationship. This was the same time I started doing all the testing too. I didn't send it to her until the week before I went in to do this test. I received her response letter the day before I swallowed the capsule. Both our letters were very loving and heartfelt. They opened the door to conversation and reconnection. She came to visit me at the hospital and I could feel a shift between us. It was deep and appreciated. We were then able to have a conversation on the phone and open the door even further. I look forward to continue opening more doors.

Life is always providing us opportunities to listen and be able to invite in what our hearts are desiring to experience. Most of us are choosing to see challenging experiences as something "happening" to us instead of being present with what the possible message might be. This experience was physically painful and felt frustrating at times. However, the more present I chose to be in each moment and really listen to how I was feeling, I was able to truly hear MY voice and what my body was asking for to heal. It was also a great reminder for me to work with my voice in a loving and assertive way, if necessary. It is possible to be assertive and loving at the same time :)

As I said earlier, the whole experience was magical! I am grateful for all the BEings that came to visit and support me. Physical and Non-physical. I am grateful to have completed 43 years old with a complete purge of my system in order to begin 44 years old yesterday with a clean slate. I am grateful for the many opportunities to be present with my Self and the experience. I am grateful to be eating food and drinking fluids again. I am grateful that I get to be here and experience this thing we call "Human". What a Gift!

So here's to another trip around the Sun and ALL the Adventures that come with it! What are You grateful for today? Write it down. Be Aware of it and continue to focus on that list of Gratitude. You will see a difference as you move through life choosing this way. Do your best to be present with your thoughts so you are able to see if they're loving. Change them, if you find they're not. 

I Love You!